The Republic of Heaven

greetings, everyone.

please prepare yourselves for a very important thread. that's right. it's even worth using capital letters for: VERY IMPORTANT THREAD. there.

this is important, because it may just save your life. that's because if anyone out there has any questions they want answering -- anything at all -- then i'm the person to ask. i guarantee to find the answer for you. there is no question that i cannot answer.

for example, you may be stuck in a sealed room, at gunpoint, by a lunatic -- what do you do? well, get on the PC and ask me!

so, if something is puzzelling you -- how long is a piece of string? what colour is the sound of a sigh? how does one tie one's shoe laces? -- then fire away.

heh, now you've read this far, i'll admit it. no, it wasn't that important. sorry.

-- darren (an overflowing fountain of knowledge and all things alcoholic)

how does one keep one's glasses clean?

mmm. i see. tricky question to start me off.

well.

hypothetically speaking, it could be possible to link a narrow, forked (two-way) hose down each arm of your spectacles. you would need to connect the other end of the hose, via a pathway of interspatial wormholes, to an area perhaps somewhere in the centre of the atlantic ocean. by flexing the spatial dimensions* it should be possible to jet a steady stream of water across the lenses of your glasses. hey presto.

or you could just carry a lint free lens cloth and polish your spectacles at regular intervals. whichever floats your boat.


* for this you will require a pair of four dimensional tweezers and two small elastic bands. a paperclip can also be useful.

i hope i have been of service to you.

-- darren

but if u were to use the former method, it would be difficult to see wouldnt it?

why hasn't random guy conquered the universe yet?

Who says he hasn't?

Wait....I know you from somewhere!

Ci'gazze?

It was funny...I think whoever it was had been trying to give you a hard question with "What's the square root of a million?"

that's Samwise you're thinking of -- he is located in "The Netherlands", not "in a tiny valley (at the bottom of a hill, actually) in hampshire, south england"

Oh, right. Oops.

but if u were to use the former method, it would be difficult to see wouldnt it?

no. because, quite obviously, you would have fixed a mini, motorised windscreen washer blade to the spectacle frame, to wipe the excess sea water from the line of your vision.

see. i've thought it all out.

-- darren

hey, did i hear another question?

why hasn't random guy conquered the universe yet?

urm, because he hasn't the motivation. actually, i think it would be fairly easy to take over the universe. i think you just need to be a really good liar.

i recommend that you become famous first. and you have to be respected, too, so a flimsy and fickle pop star wouldn't work. you'd need to be a renowned actor or the queen's toyboy or something. as soon as you've got the notority that comes with this, then you're well on your way.

now the lying starts. (as i've said, you have to be really good at it though; practice in front of a mirror.) tell your acting colleagues and fans, or the queen, that you are from the planet zog and that unless all the earth's superpowers hand over authority to you immediately, you'll have no choice but to wage war upon them.

i bet they'd let you take over.

or have you locked up in a lunatic asylum.

would I get a more accurate answer if I Eliza a question or you

would I get a more accurate answer if I Eliza a question or you

urm, i'm sorry. i've just got outta bed, and although i'm half way through a cup of tea, i still haven't woken up properly. but, even so...

i don't understand your question. yep, i know i'm really dim, but i still don't get it. sorry. could you repeat it in simple darren-speak? (and that's, like, really slow and simple. ta.)

unless this is all an elaborate set-up, proving that i can't answer every question in the universe...

-- darren

How do you turn the element Lead (Pb) into the Element Gold (Au)?

Ah yes, the fundamental question of alchemy. Hundreds of years of experimental chemistry couldn't solve that one, but I don't doubt that you will come up with the answer.

Bah, I already have one that's expensive but workable.

go on then..

Shoot protons at it.

But the cost would be greater than the gain...not to mention it would be radioactive gold that would exist for only a short time before it breaks down.

lol
, but how would it make it gold?

Oops, I meant anti-protons.

Well, the element is determined by the number of protons in the nucleus of each item. Annihilate enough and you'll get gold.