The Mixed Feelings Thread
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
Today, I finished the first piece of sustained writing I've done in about two years (a play review). I have no idea if it'll win me a staff position (unpaid, sigh [mixed feeling 1]) and I have no idea whether it's good or not in itself [mixed feeling 2].
It feels great to actually write again but bizarre to have so much trouble actually putting words down on paper in a cohesive fashion [mixed feeling 3]. There was a time I could knock out A+ critical papers two hours before an 8:00AM class while still being completely drunk.
It feels great to actually write again but bizarre to have so much trouble actually putting words down on paper in a cohesive fashion [mixed feeling 3]. There was a time I could knock out A+ critical papers two hours before an 8:00AM class while still being completely drunk.
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Mockingbird - A Walking Blade
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I'm homesick.
I'm tired of being at my parents' house. I'm tired of my parents right now, actually. Being around them exhausts me, because there is a whole act that has to go into being here. My boyfriend is here visiting, and that adds a whole new level to the act (which entails a good deal of pretending we're practically allergic to each other).
I want to go home to my apartment with my room and my bed and my couches. I want to go to the park and I want to go for walks with my boy.
But then I think about how I was the last week at home when my depression got the better of me and I would sit in that bed in that room in that apartment all day, lonely as all hell. I'd stay in bed until I was sore from not moving, and eventually it would make me cry as I realized I have no close friends living near me--or at all when I'm most realistic.
So I want to go back to my happy ideal home which, despite everything, I didn't want to leave to come here, but I know I'm not going to be any happier there. In any case, I can't go back because I said I'd stay here through Tuesday-ish. Plus I'm flying across the country on Thursday.
I'm tired of being at my parents' house. I'm tired of my parents right now, actually. Being around them exhausts me, because there is a whole act that has to go into being here. My boyfriend is here visiting, and that adds a whole new level to the act (which entails a good deal of pretending we're practically allergic to each other).
I want to go home to my apartment with my room and my bed and my couches. I want to go to the park and I want to go for walks with my boy.
But then I think about how I was the last week at home when my depression got the better of me and I would sit in that bed in that room in that apartment all day, lonely as all hell. I'd stay in bed until I was sore from not moving, and eventually it would make me cry as I realized I have no close friends living near me--or at all when I'm most realistic.
So I want to go back to my happy ideal home which, despite everything, I didn't want to leave to come here, but I know I'm not going to be any happier there. In any case, I can't go back because I said I'd stay here through Tuesday-ish. Plus I'm flying across the country on Thursday.
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bee - HoneyPie
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I don't know who exactly to feel bad for in this situation.
Today my boyfriend and I spent about 3-4 hours in an arcade and at the arcade we kept seeing this man with thousands of tickets. The man would just switch between two machines sitting there for hours uninterrupted. When we left one of the women who works at the place was talking about the guy, apparently he's really rude and refused to move. Additionally, she reported that he won't count tickets mid-day or similar to avoid major ticket pile-ups as it seems that he likes the attention. He comes to the store when it opens and doesn't leave until it closes. The worker also reported that the man leaves the store with a minimum of 50,000 tickets a day (that's approximately $250 worth of things in terms of retail value), and told the people at the store that he sells the items on eBay. Apparently, they have implemented special rules for how this guy may claim prizes (one game system per day). The guy comes to the store alone always, and claims to travel around the Northeastern United States and comes from Maryland. Supposedly he gets the money to play the games from his disability payments and the woman at the counter claims he has some kind of "mental disability" as he told her this. The woman at the counter seemed to negatively judge many groups of people, so I'm not quite sure what to think.
I don't think I was exactly clear as to who I felt bad for in this situation, one of the considerations was to feel bad for the workers who he is rude to. Other considerations include the other guest who he is rude to, and the man himself. I don't particularly feel bad for the man for having a "pathetic life", my biggest concerns based on what I saw of the man and reports about his behavior make me most concerned of his inability to properly gain attention from other people. The woman at the counter suggested he could be nice and donate the items to charitites, etc., I feel however she is failing to understand the purpose of the behavior. The most effective way it seems for this man to get attention is by acting "rude" and if that's the best way he knows how to get attention he'll probably continue to keep doing the same thing.
I also feel bad that I attempted to guess what the guy probably has.
Today my boyfriend and I spent about 3-4 hours in an arcade and at the arcade we kept seeing this man with thousands of tickets. The man would just switch between two machines sitting there for hours uninterrupted. When we left one of the women who works at the place was talking about the guy, apparently he's really rude and refused to move. Additionally, she reported that he won't count tickets mid-day or similar to avoid major ticket pile-ups as it seems that he likes the attention. He comes to the store when it opens and doesn't leave until it closes. The worker also reported that the man leaves the store with a minimum of 50,000 tickets a day (that's approximately $250 worth of things in terms of retail value), and told the people at the store that he sells the items on eBay. Apparently, they have implemented special rules for how this guy may claim prizes (one game system per day). The guy comes to the store alone always, and claims to travel around the Northeastern United States and comes from Maryland. Supposedly he gets the money to play the games from his disability payments and the woman at the counter claims he has some kind of "mental disability" as he told her this. The woman at the counter seemed to negatively judge many groups of people, so I'm not quite sure what to think.
I don't think I was exactly clear as to who I felt bad for in this situation, one of the considerations was to feel bad for the workers who he is rude to. Other considerations include the other guest who he is rude to, and the man himself. I don't particularly feel bad for the man for having a "pathetic life", my biggest concerns based on what I saw of the man and reports about his behavior make me most concerned of his inability to properly gain attention from other people. The woman at the counter suggested he could be nice and donate the items to charitites, etc., I feel however she is failing to understand the purpose of the behavior. The most effective way it seems for this man to get attention is by acting "rude" and if that's the best way he knows how to get attention he'll probably continue to keep doing the same thing.
I also feel bad that I attempted to guess what the guy probably has.
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intotheworld - Gallivespian Spy
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
chip's challenge.
on the one hand, blast from the past. on the other hand, cramped muscles from over three hours of playing! owww.
on the one hand, blast from the past. on the other hand, cramped muscles from over three hours of playing! owww.
i wear purple for my daddy
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zemarl - I ATE'NT DEAD
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I'm actually ashamed of where I go to school because of what goes on there. I don't know what to make of this.
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bethanwy - COVERED IN BEES
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
Nicholas Sparks thinks he's Hemingway...and I don't know if I'm really annoyed or really amused.
If you thought you had a problem with Nicholas Sparks before...
If you thought you had a problem with Nicholas Sparks before...
Emphasis, mine.Sparks says: "I'm going to interrupt you there. There's a difference between drama and melodrama; evoking genuine emotion, or manipulating emotion. It's a very fine eye-of-the-needle to thread. And it's very rare that it works. That's why I tend to dominate this particular genre. There is this fine line. And I do not verge into melodrama. It's all drama. I try to generate authentic emotional power."
But, well, he always does kill someone by the end of his tales, usually to maximum handkerchief effect.
"Of course!" Sparks says. "I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies. A thriller is supposed to thrill. A horror novel is supposed to scare you. A mystery is supposed to keep you turning the pages, guessing 'whodunit?'
"A romance novel is supposed to make you escape into a fantasy of romance. What is the purpose of what I do? These are love stories. They went from (Greek tragedies), to Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms."
That's one of his favorites, and he points it out as he walks the aisles of the bookstore.
"Hemingway. See, they're recommending The Garden of Eden, and I read that. It was published after he was dead. It's a weird story about this honeymoon couple, and a third woman gets involved. Uh, it's not my cup of tea." Sparks pulls the one beside it off the shelf. "A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That's what I write," he says, putting it back. "That's what I write."
Cormac McCarthy? "Horrible," he says, looking at Blood Meridian. "This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written."
Even hearing a passage about a sunset in which "the mountains in their blue islands stood footless in the void like floating temples" doesn't sway him.
Sparks' favorite tale of youth? "I think A Walk to Remember," he says, citing his own novel. "That's my version of a coming-of-age." He pauses and adds: "You have to sayTo Kill a Mockingbird is an all-time classic."
Any he thinks are overrated?
"I don't like to say bad things about others."
Except McCarthy? "He deserves it," Spark says with a laugh.
Asked what he likes in his own genre, Sparks replies: "There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do."
When others (James Patterson?) are suggested to him, he keeps his lips pursed.
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Mockingbird - A Walking Blade
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I read that a while ago on a snarking community on Livejournal, and my reaction was pretty much the same as yours. He's a talentless hack.
I'm, um, not feeling great. And I haven't been feeling great for a long time. It's only a vague feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation - living away from home, in a foreign country, for what seems like an impossibly long time. It doesn't matter how many friends I make in Cambridge and the UK in general (and I should add that the friends I've made here have been some of the best people I've met in my entire life), it doesn't matter how much I enjoy my studies, it doesn't matter how much I want to be an academic, I don't feel like Cambridge is home, nor that it ever will be.
I'm sick of living in one room. I'm sick of coming home to a house which is not a home. I'm sick of feeling like I could pack up all my belongings into a suitcase. I can stave off these feelings by going out with my friends, or going away to stay with friends and family who live in what I would consider to be 'proper' homes, but no matter what, I'm always going to have to come back to this tiny room eventually, and then it's worse than before.
I don't know what to do, and I know I don't have any cause to be feeling this bad. I have a pretty good life, all things considered, and I feel guilty for finding it so difficult.
I'm, um, not feeling great. And I haven't been feeling great for a long time. It's only a vague feeling of dissatisfaction with my current situation - living away from home, in a foreign country, for what seems like an impossibly long time. It doesn't matter how many friends I make in Cambridge and the UK in general (and I should add that the friends I've made here have been some of the best people I've met in my entire life), it doesn't matter how much I enjoy my studies, it doesn't matter how much I want to be an academic, I don't feel like Cambridge is home, nor that it ever will be.
I'm sick of living in one room. I'm sick of coming home to a house which is not a home. I'm sick of feeling like I could pack up all my belongings into a suitcase. I can stave off these feelings by going out with my friends, or going away to stay with friends and family who live in what I would consider to be 'proper' homes, but no matter what, I'm always going to have to come back to this tiny room eventually, and then it's worse than before.
I don't know what to do, and I know I don't have any cause to be feeling this bad. I have a pretty good life, all things considered, and I feel guilty for finding it so difficult.
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Aletheia Dolorosa - Wednesday's Child
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
was your living situation much better last year ronni? perhaps if you can find some good flat/housemates for next year things will look a lot brighter.
"o stars, isn't it from you that the lover's desire for the face
of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
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of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
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jessia - Sraffie Queen
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
Can entirely sympathise there Ronni. The contrast is the worst thing - I too was away for the weekend in a much more pleasant environment. Returning wasn't so fun.
We must build the republic of heaven in our world...
Is this heaven?...No, it's Iowa
I sell discount books, so sue me
Times are tight, and starting a band is good way to kill some time until the economy picks up
Is this heaven?...No, it's Iowa
I sell discount books, so sue me
Times are tight, and starting a band is good way to kill some time until the economy picks up
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Ian - The Frog Prince
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
my chinese roommate hired a cleaning lady to clean our apartment, and as much as i try to get over my "north american sensibilities" (someone else's words, can't remember whose) about hiring someone else to do your house cleaning and be happy about clean floors, it's really hard to get over the idea of hiring someone else to do your cleaning when they're paid like... 15 RMB (somewhere between two dollars and two euros) an hour...
also, i'm kind of grossed out by the washcloth she uses to clean every surface. it's kind of smelly... and sometimes i eat food i've dropped on my desk.
moments like these, i kind of wish i lived with people more socially-culturally-habitually like myself so we could just happily live in a dusty apartment and only feel compelled to grumpily clean it every few months or less (like the last three years) ourselves when we're sufficiently grossed out by ourselves, or someone's babushka visits.
so now i'm awkwardly standing in my room waiting for it to dry (and the smell to go away) so i can put my mess of things back on the desk.
also, i'm kind of grossed out by the washcloth she uses to clean every surface. it's kind of smelly... and sometimes i eat food i've dropped on my desk.
moments like these, i kind of wish i lived with people more socially-culturally-habitually like myself so we could just happily live in a dusty apartment and only feel compelled to grumpily clean it every few months or less (like the last three years) ourselves when we're sufficiently grossed out by ourselves, or someone's babushka visits.
so now i'm awkwardly standing in my room waiting for it to dry (and the smell to go away) so i can put my mess of things back on the desk.
"o stars, isn't it from you that the lover's desire for the face
of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
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of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
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jessia - Sraffie Queen
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I'm adjusting my pills again, after experiencing a sudden trough of a fortnight. Tomorrow I'll go for basic blood/liver/thyroid tests.
The cause of this trough is likely due to my giro not being paid for a month. I was due a meeting at the job centre, which was rescheduled because of staff strikes... but kept on the e-diary. Thus, the failure of the central database to receive an e-notification as to my attendance (due to the office being closed that day), my money was automatically suspended.
Although I have my mother to wing me money, the idea of being 33 years old and without prospects, social or professional, and relying on a few quid from his pensioner mother is beginning to really get me down.
The cause of this trough is likely due to my giro not being paid for a month. I was due a meeting at the job centre, which was rescheduled because of staff strikes... but kept on the e-diary. Thus, the failure of the central database to receive an e-notification as to my attendance (due to the office being closed that day), my money was automatically suspended.
Although I have my mother to wing me money, the idea of being 33 years old and without prospects, social or professional, and relying on a few quid from his pensioner mother is beginning to really get me down.
==========================================
That accent o' yers, are ye frae Holland like me?
Visit an almost daily photo-diary of the Hyperborean North.
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That accent o' yers, are ye frae Holland like me?
Visit an almost daily photo-diary of the Hyperborean North.
View the Hyperborean North from a Rabbit's Eye View
CURRENTLY READING ==> The Economist
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Melancholy Man - Yoruba Warlock
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
Bastards! The whole system is so demeaning. Going to job centres is like entering one of the more mind-~*iguana*~ levels of Hell.I'm adjusting my pills again, after experiencing a sudden trough of a fortnight. Tomorrow I'll go for basic blood/liver/thyroid tests.
The cause of this trough is likely due to my giro not being paid for a month. I was due a meeting at the job centre, which was rescheduled because of staff strikes... but kept on the e-diary. Thus, the failure of the central database to receive an e-notification as to my attendance (due to the office being closed that day), my money was automatically suspended.
Although I have my mother to wing me money, the idea of being 33 years old and without prospects, social or professional, and relying on a few quid from his pensioner mother is beginning to really get me down.
I have mixed feelings because I have a job but it's not going very well. Apparently I am crap.
The Sraffie Formerly Known As hermit
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Soapy - President Lesbian
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
Delete
Last edited by intotheworld on Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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intotheworld - Gallivespian Spy
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
i'm back in montreal for the weekend but i'm having so much trouble getting a hold of the people i love.
"o stars, isn't it from you that the lover's desire for the face
of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
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of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
http://www.bridgetothestars.net/wiki/index.php
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jessia - Sraffie Queen
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I HAVE VERY MIXED FEELINGS.
about pickles. they're like, yummy. but then also like, yucky. i can take tiny nibbles out of them plain, and i get yucky shivers, but i like the taste also whilst disliking it. they're good in burgers though. the end
about pickles. they're like, yummy. but then also like, yucky. i can take tiny nibbles out of them plain, and i get yucky shivers, but i like the taste also whilst disliking it. they're good in burgers though. the end
There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious—makes you so sick at heart—that you can't take part. You can't even passively take part. And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all
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AlexSP - Invincible Starlight
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
People are quoting me.... and they don't even know my last name.
I'm sure they'll miss quote me anyway.
Anyway... the quote was about how I'm very good at completing about 95% of projects or so.
So I said at a meeting today as people were complaining (and I'm speaking to the staff person running the meeting) "Yep, I got all of the pieces of the monopoly board now, I just don't have the dice. And the dice, that's probably the most important part. "
This makes me sad... they didn't ask permission. Also, the one resident looked at me like I was crazy and totally didn't get it.
Also, I was speaking with the parents of a kid I know and apparently they went to a psychiatrist (who in addition to being really annoying and trying to change the diagnosis on the kid, which I don't think mattered anyway and the psych was attempting to explain this to the parent (even though I really do like this parent) and the psychiatrist said to the mother "Well.... if X person has tics then maybe he ought to stay out of the forest."
The kid didn't get and it and his mother wasn't amused, and while the situation is serious, I thought this very amusing. I was actually at the same psychiatrist a couple of times or so. I actually liked this person better than the last person I was seeing, but apparently (not that I'm in the area anymore anyway) they fired him because parents in the area I was from said he was rude. Also.... I don't know what people's problem was cause I saw the guy and he didn't try to diagnosis change on me.
I'm sure they'll miss quote me anyway.
Anyway... the quote was about how I'm very good at completing about 95% of projects or so.
So I said at a meeting today as people were complaining (and I'm speaking to the staff person running the meeting) "Yep, I got all of the pieces of the monopoly board now, I just don't have the dice. And the dice, that's probably the most important part. "
This makes me sad... they didn't ask permission. Also, the one resident looked at me like I was crazy and totally didn't get it.
Also, I was speaking with the parents of a kid I know and apparently they went to a psychiatrist (who in addition to being really annoying and trying to change the diagnosis on the kid, which I don't think mattered anyway and the psych was attempting to explain this to the parent (even though I really do like this parent) and the psychiatrist said to the mother "Well.... if X person has tics then maybe he ought to stay out of the forest."
The kid didn't get and it and his mother wasn't amused, and while the situation is serious, I thought this very amusing. I was actually at the same psychiatrist a couple of times or so. I actually liked this person better than the last person I was seeing, but apparently (not that I'm in the area anymore anyway) they fired him because parents in the area I was from said he was rude. Also.... I don't know what people's problem was cause I saw the guy and he didn't try to diagnosis change on me.
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intotheworld - Gallivespian Spy
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
I don't know how to feel about one of my friends and how she acts lately. She is flakey and unreliable lately. She says she'll call or come by and I end up waiting for her and she never does. I tell her constantly that she's a flake and she can't keep being like this because it's disrespectful and it's not fair to our friendship when I work so hard to make things better... she says she knows how bad she is about everything and she's sorry, but she never puts effort into fixing the problems... and I can't just abandon her because she's always alone and has no one...
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car...
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film...
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film...
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sxygreenshoelace - Zalif
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
So... I moved back in with my parents. My brain feels like mush.
Going back to community college, and then one day I might go transfer if I do indeed decide to finish a 4 year program.
Depressed again.
Happy though somewhat... I have a niece now. She was born last friday and went home from the hospital on monday. They kept her at the hospital a few extra days because she had a seizure.
Going back to community college, and then one day I might go transfer if I do indeed decide to finish a 4 year program.
Depressed again.
Happy though somewhat... I have a niece now. She was born last friday and went home from the hospital on monday. They kept her at the hospital a few extra days because she had a seizure.
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intotheworld - Gallivespian Spy
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Re: The Mixed Feelings Thread
happy b/c i've been accepted into my spring exchange of choice.
sad to hear/know that other friends have not been accepted... and that i'm not going to my second choice.
sad to hear/know that other friends have not been accepted... and that i'm not going to my second choice.
"o stars, isn't it from you that the lover's desire for the face
of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
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of his beloved arises? doesn't his secret insight
into her pure features come from the pure constellations?"
- from rainer maria rilke's third elegy
sign up and help edit+create his dark materials wiki articles for bridgetothestars!
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jessia - Sraffie Queen
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